


If This Is Love Should I Keep It?

by Daikuai



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Burning, Cute Marco, Cutting, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Smut, I'm making up Marco's father calm down everyone, M/M, Self-Harm, Shy Marco, Small Towns, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Tough Jean, alzheimer's, bottom marco, cross dressing, top jean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-12-09
Packaged: 2018-02-17 11:38:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2308304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daikuai/pseuds/Daikuai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marco is a shy, quiet, boy who never steps into the sunlight in order to hide his secret and protect his sister ,Ymir.  Jean is captain of the football team, popular, and a trouble make from time to time. Jean has always noticed  Marco but never had the nerve to talk to him until he sees his fellow team mate pick on him. when Marco sees Jean defending him things spark them. Marco tries to ignore his attraction to keep his  secret under lock in key. Yet the more he pushes away form Jean the more Jean pushes back. What will happen on they're journey? What will happen to Marco? Will Jean be able to save him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Forgive my spelling and grammar mistakes.

            Marco laid in bed staring at his ceiling and counting the cracks. He had counted ninety-nine cracks and he knew that once he got one hundred the monster would come. Marco sighed and curled up in a ball and started to shiver. 

             _Maybe,_ he thought, _If  I get up and get dressed then move quickly he wont notice me._ That was exactly what Marco did, too. He dressed in his usual oversize sweater and too big baggy pants. He picked up his bag and grab his shoes. Then he tried to silently walk down the stairs and out the door.

          " Where are you going?" A gruff, groggy voice said in the darkness of the living room.

           Marco jumped a foot into the air "I'm going to school dad." Marco prayed that his dad would let him go to school without giving him a hard time. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Marco quickened his pace and was almost out the door when his father came up behind him and stilled Marco's hand that was on the door knob. 

            " I didn't get a good-bye kiss Marco. And i always get my kiss good-bye."

         Marco didn't turn around. He stayed silent and frozen for what seemed like forever. He didn't move not until his father jerked him around and sneered in his face.

        " Did you hear me you?" His voice was a deadly whisper.  Marco knew that he had to move and fast. He fumbled with the door knob until he was able to twist it. He shoved his father and bolted out the door. He ran until he got to school thinking to himself  _He's going to kill me when I get home._

           Even so, Marco couldn't concern himself with that right now he had too much on his plate and didn't need to worry about the outcome of his mistake today. He just need to release everything and continue as if nothing had happen. When he realized that he was close to he school he saw that he was a half an hour early for class. He paid no mind though he headed to the library where he could get some peace and quiet and relax his muscles.

           Marco opened the door to Trost High School and quickly headed to the library. He held his to the ground and tried to  keep from being seen as some of the students started to come into the school. He tried so hard not to be seen that he ran smack dab in to the football-star Jean Kirstein. 

 

 

 

         Jean didn't expect  to show up a early for class but his English teacher  wanted to speak to him before class could begin. As soon as he got out the car and entered he ran straight into someone.

         "Oh, shit!" Jean exclaimed, "I'm so sorry agh fuck I'm really sorry."

       He looked down to see who he had almost plowed over. He nearly choked when he saw that he was that it was Marco. He felt even worse now. Jean had seen the way kids had made fun of him in hall ways and how they pushed and shoved and taunted him. He didn't want Marco to think he was one of those people. 

           " I'm so sorry Marco. Fuck. Are you okay?" 

          He reached down and nearly yanked Marco off the ground with one hand.  He brushed off Marco and felt his face warm. Jean didn't remember the last time he felt so anxious.  

           " I'm fine ,Jean." Marco's soft, timid voice said.

         Jean felt relief that he was okay. He seriously didn't need anything else to worry about. But before Jean could get even another word out Marco grab his bag and swiftly walked away. Jean felt a tinge of disappointment but didn't have time to think about it now he had to go to Mr. Zacharias's class to talk about English. 

      As soon as he walked in the room Mr. Zacharias sniffed him. When he had first met him he thought it was weird but over time he had gotten use to it. 

      "Jean, please sit down and we'll talk." Mr. Zacharias said getting right to the point. That was one of the many things that Jean liked about him. He sat down quietly and waited for him to speak. 

         " Jean, I ask you to come here so we could talk about your grade in English. You've been getting Ds and it's starting to affect your GPA. You need to get a C in this class so you can continue playing football and do other curricular activities. Now what I propose is this you let me pick someone to tutor you and you don't give them any grief this time. You've bee on academic probation for a month and I tried to let you fix multiple times but now I'm forced to take action. So, either quit football and continue getting the grades you're getting or let me get you a tutor which will it be, Jean?"

        _Goddamn it,_ Jean thought.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco gets hurt and we see a flash black from his past. Then we meet Levi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your thoughts in gave me a lot of the support i needed to keep writing . Also the two dashes mean a flashback is coming going on.

                 Marco managed to get threw the whole first half of school with out any problems until 5th period lunch rolled around. Marco had just gotten his lunch out the line and was headed to the library where he usually ate for lunch.  He had his eyes plastered to ground so he didn't realize that there was a chair leg sticking out in the middle of the isle way. He tripped over chair leg and he and his lunch flew straight into Eren Jeager's lap.

                Eren looked at Marco with a look so cold that would even freeze hell over. Marco was still on the ground when Eren got up out of his chair and brushed off the salad which had been Marco's lunch. 

                 "Apologize to me, Nerd." Eren said so loudly that the whole cafeteria went silent.

                 " I'm so sorry. " Marco whispered.

                 Eren grabbed him by the shirt and yanked him up.

                " I didn't fucking hear you. Either you apologize like you fucking mean it or I knock the shit out of you."

                 Marco trembled and was close to tears. He should be use to it but it had never been so public before. They usually wait till after school or early in the morning to torment him.

                 " I'm so sorry, Eren. It won't ever happen again, I swear."  Marco said loudly.

                 Eren smirked then released his hold on Marco.  

                "Prove it. Lick my shoe clean. Then I'll forgive you."

                Marco's eyes widened and heard people start to chuckle around him. He shook his head and Eren nearly lost it. He hiked his foot back and kicked square in the nose. As soon as Eren's shoe made contact Marco's nose started to bleed. Everyone then started laughing and Marco felt tears roll down his face--

_Marco laid on the ground bloody and bruised. Some of the football team stood around him. They laughed and kicked him. The harder they laughed the harder they kicked until one of the boys next to Eren spoke up.  
_

_" How hard do you think I would have to kick to to crack on of his ribs?"_

_" I don't know. Why don't we find out."  Eren said with a huge grin on his face._

_The stepped back and threw every once of his body weight in to that kick. With that kick he broke Marco's rib with a loud crack and pop. Marco screamed and curled up into a ball. He felt blood trickle out his mouth and tears rolled down his face until his vision tunneled and everything went back._

          " STOP! STOP IT NOW!" someone yelled from the back of the cafeteria.

               Marco heard footsteps coming closer and tilted his head to see Jean coming towards him.

 

 

 

            Jean ran towards Marco and lifted his head to see if he had lost consciousness. When he saw that Marco was still awake he lifted him up and sat him down to asses the damage. The worse that Marco had was a bloody nose and maybe a headache. He grab Marco's arm and made him look him in the eyes. 

            " Are you gonna be okay Marco?"

            He nodded.

           " I need to take you to Principle Levi's office, okay?"

           Another nod.

           Jean turned around and hit Jeager right in his stupid ass face.

          "If you ever hurt Marco again I swear to God I'll bash your fucking face into a pole." Jean said in a deadly calm voice.

          Eren looked at him in surprised and didn't move for a few seconds. Then he got over his shock and got up and in Jean's face.

          " I didn't realize you were a fag, Kirestien." He spat out in anger.

          "Don't you ever call me that, you asshole." Jean's voice was a deadly whisper which forced him to step back.

          Jean stepped back and grab Marco's arm and walkout the cafeteria.

         "Thank you, Jean." Marco said softly in his ear.

         Jean felt butterflies in his stomach and was glad that he had stepped in when he did.

 

 

 

           Marco made it to Principle Levi's office with help from Jean. With in minutes it seemed like Jean and Principle Levi moved at lightening speed. Jean left the office to go get Marco's things and Levi looked into his desk and pulled out the first aid kit. Levi grabbed a chair and sat close to him and started to tend to Marco's bruised nose.

         "So, are you gonna tell me how this happen?" Levi asked as he cleaned up his nose.

          Marco shook his head. Levi didn't speak again until he was done cleaning up the blood.

         "Freckles, I cant help you unless you let me help you." He said as he put the ointment on Marco's nose.

          "Eren tripped me and I tried to apologize but he wasn't satisfied. He said I had to kiss shoe to earn his forgiveness. Then when I didn't he kicked me in the face. They started laughing and that was when Jean came in and defended me." Marco said softly.

          Levi shook his head. This wasn't the first time Levi has talked to Eren about bullying.

           " Let me handle this, okay? I think i have just the punishment for him. Are you gonna be okay, Dots?" Levi asked as he finished putting a band aid on his nose.

          Marco nodded and quickly ran out of the office and Levi watched his door slam shut. _Take care you little shit._ Levi thought to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Levi he calls Marco everything else but his name. I hope this chapter didn't piss you off to much. I'll try to update soon.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ymir comes into the picture , Marco has a panic attack, flashback from when Marco was five, and things are said in the boys locker room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being patient everyone. I'm trying to slow things down a bit cause I like some stories to have build and I hope you guys are enjoying this any comments or concerns leave them in the comments.

           Marco did all he could to calm down he couldn't believe he told principle Levi about what happened. He's breath was coming out in shallow puffs. He kept trying to take deep breaths but it felt like his lungs wouldn't expand they would only contract. Then he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder.

           "MARCO!" a feminine voice yelled.

            He turned around to see his sister Ymir looking at him. He felt his chest become less tight and he was able to take deep breaths again. 

            " Are you okay, Marco? I saw you standing there and I yelled your name a few times but you didn't answer so i didn't know what to do." Ymir said frantically.

           "I'm fine, Ymir." Marco said in a hush voice.

          Ymir looked read to slap him "Yes Marco you're totally fine after not being able to breathe because you had a panic attack. Yep totally fine." Then Ymir actually did hit him on top of the head.

          "How did you know that i had a panic attack?" Marco said in the same hushed way.

         "Because you use to have them all the time when we were kids after mom died. Don't you remember? When ever you use to have them Dad would take you into our room and calm you down."--

          " _Shhhh. Marco, Daddy is right here." He said in a soft voice._ _  
_

_Marco calmed down a bit and smiled at his father. "I'm alright now, Daddy."_

_Marco's father smiled at him "Good. You know Daddy loves you, right?"_

_Marco looked at his father for a bit the swiftly answered with a nod and a smile._

_His father smiled and put his hands on Marco's small five year old knees and_ _knelled in front of him. He began to rub Marco's knees slowly up and down._

_"Do you love me Marco?"_

_" Of course I do Daddy." Marco says with a matter of fact tone._

_" That's good , Marco. Can you give Daddy a kiss so that he can make sure you love him?"_

_Marco nods and gives his father a kiss on the cheek._

_"No, Marco. That's not a real kiss. You have to give Daddy a real kiss."_

_"How do I do that?" Marco wonders._

_"Like this."_

_Marco's father grabs face gently and brings his lips down to his lips. Marco squirmed a bit. He felt uncomfortable but he wanted to show his father that he loved. They sat there for a moment until Marco's father moans, tilts his head, and tries to part Marco's lips with his tongue. Marco jerks backwards and stares at his father._

_"That was a real kiss Marco. But we can't tell anyone about our kisses because if we do someone will come and take me and Ymir away."_

_Marco started to cry  at the thought. He put his small little arms around his father's neck and cries._

_"Shhhhh, Marco. It'll be okay as long as you don't tell anyone, okay?" He pets Marco's head trying to comfort him. He picks up Marco's trembling and crying body and rocks him back and forth._

      "Yeah I remember, Ymir." Marco says as soon as he snaps back to reality.

      "C'mon Marco. Let me take you to English class, okay." She gently grabs Marco's hand and leads him to class.

 

 

 

     When Jean went back to principle Levi's office and saw that Marco wasn't there he figured that he would be in English which was the only period they shared together. He took his stuff and Marco's and headed to Mr. Zacharias's class. Once there, he found Marco sitting in the back of the class by himself. He took the seat next to Marco and handed him his stuff.

      "So, how bout that weather?" Jean mentally kicked himself in the head. He didn't know what else to say.

       Marco however busted out laughing and Jean couldn't help but laugh with him.

     " Really, Jean?" Marco said between his laughing fits.

     They started to calm down. Marco lost his smile and looked down at his hands.

     "Thank you for saving me back there, Jean." Marco said quietly to Jean.

      Jean felt a flutter in his heart when Marco said his name. He tried to dismiss it but he look at Marco's face and couldn't help but think it was adorable.

         _No,_ Jean thought _,You're not gay._

"So, I think it's safe to assume that we're friends, right?" Jean felt sick when he said the word friends.

       Marco looked at him with his big brown eyes and smiled.

       "Friends." Marco said quietly. 

       Jean was about to say something else but class began and he didn't feel like getting a detention.

      

      As soon as class was over Jean was about to head to the locker room so he can change for practice when Mr. Zacharias stopped him and Marco. 

      "Okay, so Jean remember what we were talking about earlier with the tutoring?" He said.

      Jean nods.

      "Well, if Mr. Bodt here accepts he will be your tutor. Mr. Bodt would you like to tutor Jean? You don't have to but it seems like you two are a good pair."

      "It's up to Jean." Marco whispers.

      "Of course I wouldn't mind having you as a tutor, Marco." Jean says quickly.

      "Then it's settled. You guys work out the schedule. And Jean remember what I said." With that he left the room.

      Then Marco left just as quickly before Jean even got a chance to say something. Jean sighed worried that he might of said something that had upset Marco. He couldn't let it distract him though if it did coach Erwin would rip into him again. He rushed off to locker room so that he wouldn't be late. He tried to slip in unnoticed and he seemed successful. He was about to head to his lock until he heard someone say Marco's name. 

       "I'm going to kill that little bitch. He should have know what would happen to him he told Levi." Eren said angrily. 

       He punches a locker. 

      " What are we gonna do to him, Eren?" One of the boys said.

     "Let me handle this. I'm gonna make sure that he regrets even existing." Eren laughs and that was when Jean snaps.

      He drops the bag he had been carrying and swings his fist into Eren's stupid face. Eren fell on the floor from the blow and didn't even have a chance to catch his breath when Jean was upon him and kept punching him. Eren's face started to get covered with blood but Jean didn't stop.

      "Stay away from Marco, you dick." Jean got up and started to kick him until four pairs of hands grab his legs and arms and pins him against the wall.

     Eren got up and spit blood out of his mouth.

     "Jean I do whatever the fuck I want too." He punched Jean in the face over and over. He kneed him the stomach and kept punching him in the same spot trying to break his ribs. Jean started to wheeze from the impact.

    " Had enough?" Eren says in a taunting voice. He didn't give Jean time to answer he just continued to punch him in the face until the splatted on Eren's face. Just then the blows to Jeans came to a stop. Jean looked up to see Erwin holding Eren's fist.

     "Let Jean go and get practice while I talk Jean and Eren. NOW!" Erwin shouts. Everyone left at lightening speed.

    "Now, Eren because of this incident I should kick you off the team. But I'm not because we still need you for the championships. Instead I'm going to make you write two speeches both of those speeches an apology to Jean and Marco. You know better than this Eren and you need to just grow up. Now leave and go to practice." Eren left with a sour look on his face.

      "Now, Jean, I understand that you were defending Marco but there are better ways for you to do that okay? I'm not gonna punish you but please the next time this you will have forced my hand. Take a breather and come to practice when you're ready, son." Erwin pats Jean's shoulder and leaves him to think about what he's going to do next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it. I don't know when I'm gonna update but it'll be soon.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little sneak peek into Jean's home life and something happens between Marco and his dad (nothing too horrible at least not now). TRIGGER WARNING: IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO EXPLICIT CONTENT DO NOT READ.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for taking a while to update. I've been getting ready for homecoming and I've had a lot of test so yeah I'm sorry. Enjoy this chapter and leave a comment or concern down at the bottom anything more this is a link to my tumblr leave me suggestions or any other questions about myself or more: http://daikuai.tumblr.com/

        Marco couldn't have left the room faster. He was so embarrassed and nervous. How could he handle being so close to Jean? He was Jean Kirstein, the famous football star. Marco blushed by even thinking his name.

        _Why am I blushing ?_ Marco thought.

        Then suddenly he felt a body jump on his back. He stumbled a bit and turned his head to see Ymir smiling at him. She hopped off of him and ruffled his hair.

        "Hey Marco, do you wanna do your favorite sister a favor?" Ymir said turning off her sarcastic tone. That's how Marco knew she wanted something.

        "You're my only sister. What would you like Ymir?" Marco asked softly. 

         "I'm heading out with Krista, Reiner, and Bertl Turtle. Soooooo I was wondering if you could cover for me with dad?"

        Marco almost got down on his knees to beg Ymir not to go out. He didn't want to be left alone with their father. Even so Marco swallowed his pleads and fears and smiled warmly at Ymir.

        "Of course, what time will you be back home?" Marco says struggling to keep the strain out of his voice.

        Ymir jumped up and down then kissed Marco's cheek.

        "Thank you so much! You are the best! Come on they're outside waiting." Ymir grabbed Marco's arm and pulled him out the double doors of their school. Marco stumbled and near fell when Ymir let go of his arm. Thankfully, Reiner caught him just in time.

        "Woah there Marco. We don't you fall and hurt that pretty face of yours, now do we?" Renier said in his smooth, deep voice.

        Marco blushed  even though he should be use to Reiner's flirting by now. Reiner was gay and wasn't afraid to show it off. Just like he wasn't afraid to show off his boyfriend, Bertholdt.

      Marco looked over at Bertholdt and saw that he was sweating a little bit. Bertl smiled at him.

      "Hi, Marco." He said in a hushed voice.

     "Awh Bert. Are you jealous because I said Marco was pretty? Don't fret love you're beautiful as well." Reiner says when he notices that Bertl is sweating. He kisses Bertl and holds him close. Marco starts to imagine that it was him and Jean. Embracing and kissing each other so openly. The he stopped his image in its tracks. Why did he even image it in the first place.

     "Alright guys, let's go drop Marco off at home." Ymir said firmly before putting his arm around her girlfriend, Krista.

      They walked all the way to Marco's filling the air with their light banter. Marco was almost to his door when he stopped and picked up the newspaper.

      "Mmmm! Look at that ba dunka dunk!" Reiner yelled at Marco.

      Marco then laughed and walked into his house. His laughter died when he saw his father sitting on the couch looking at him dead in the eyes.

     "Marco, you hurt me this morning you know that? You hurt me real badly." His father said in slinky, slithering voice.

     "I think you should apologize to me. Come over here and apologize." His father snapped.

      Marco came across the room and sank down to his knees. He knew what he had to do to apologize. Marco's father quickly yanked down his fly and pants and pushed his erect penis inside of Marco's mouth in one movement. He thrust inside of Marco's moth hard and deep and didn't stop. Marco felt tears run down his face and choked with each thrust.

    "Yeah that's a good boy, Marco. Yeah... suck my dick harder. Ah fuck! Yeah! Awh shit I don't think I'll last long!" Marco's father gasped.

     Marco prayed that he wouldn't last long.Then all of a sudden he grabbed Marco's head and shoved the full length of penis down his throat. Then Marco felt something warm and wet shoot down his throat. As soon as he felt it the smell of semen hit his nose. Then Marco's father let his head go and sprayed the rest of his semen all over Marco's face.

    " I accept your apology Marco. Now get cleaned up I'm going to be out for a while with Vanessa we've been dating steadily for awhile now so don't expect me home." He grunted out. With that he left.

    Marco sat there for a second then wiped the semen of his face and on to his sweater. He got up slowly and went into his room. He lifted up his mattress and grabbed a new razor. He rolled up his sleeve and placed the razor on top of his skin which had thousands of scars all criss crossed over each other.

   Cut.

  The first slice of flesh had blood dripping on his pants.

  Cut.

   Blood and tears fell.

  Cut.

   Marco slowly felt as though instead of cutting his wrist he was cutting his heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   Jean got home just in time for dinner. He rushed in quickly and dropped his stuff on the ground. He came up behind his mom and kissed her on the cheek.

    "Hey Mom. What's for dinner?" He asked brightly.

    "Nothing. You were late. Now go upstairs and do your homework. Helen don't give him anything." Jean's grandfather calls from the leaving room.

    "I'm not late Gramps. " Jean sighs.

    Jean's grandfather has lived with them ever since his house was destroyed in an earthquake and since Jean's father passed away from cancer. As much as Jean loved his grandfather sometimes living with him was strain because of his Alzheimer's.  It was a serve as others but he knew it was getting worse. He would sometimes forget the time and forget his name as well as his mother's. 

    "Oh sorry, Jean. Let's eat Helen." He says in a saddened tone.

    Jean knew it was hard for him and he also knew that Jean and his grandfather needed each other in ways he couldn't describe. Like,for example, sometimes when he was going through an episode where he would forget where he was ,which rarely happened, and he would be the only to talk him into remembering. Jean's grandfather depended on him and that scared more than anything.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. and please forgive my shitty grammar. I'll try to update sometime after Homecoming.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We dig a little deeper into Jean's past and Marco tries his hardest to hang on. TRIGGER WARNING: IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED DO NOT READ.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for taking so long to update.

                 Marco felt himself losing time. Felt as though no matter how deep he cut he would have to keep cutting deeper and deeper to get to the source of the pain and the hurt. Marco couldn't feel the pain of his cuts anymore he only saw the blood. The pain came later when he tried to cover up and conceal them but he knew that it wouldn't matter because no one would care if harmed himself they barely care when others do. Just he thought of it made Marco shutter and drop his razor and looked down at his arm. His whole sweater sleeve was soaked with blood and it was about start dripping with Marco's blood. Marco got up quickly and ran towards the bathroom so he can wash the blood out of his sweater and stop the bleeding on his arm. He took off his sweater and laid it in the sink and looked in the medicine cabinet ,hanging above the sink,  to get out the first aid kit. He usually kept one around for situations like this.

                Marco looked through the first aid kit and found some gauze. He took it and wrapped it around his cuts twice. it was enough to cover up the cuts, but not enough to stop the bleeding entirely. The blood seeped through the gauze to the point where you can see exactly where he cut himself. Marco didn't worry about it too much so he put tape on it and began trying to wash the blood out of his sweater. He scrubbed and scrubbed until he saw and felt his finger tips being scrubbed raw along with the rawness laced tremors of an awful memory.--

                _"Daddy please let me go!" Marco screamed at his father as he was being pinned down to the floor._

                  _" SHUT THE FUCK UP!  I'M GONNA TEACH YOU HOW TO BE A MAN!" Marco's father screamed at him._

_He threw him against the wall and started punching Marco in his face. The blood ran down his face and down his neck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sooooooooo sorry for the long awaited update. But I'm never updating again sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it this is my first fic so be nice please it'll get better. I apologize for everything I'm going to put you through, though.


End file.
